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Working on my life's clockwork



  Been meaning to get back to this. Life has a strange way of ebbing and flowing. Some days you wake up and feel like you could fly around the world. Others your eyes drag in the back of your skull and its a challenge to even be. I think I'm erring more towards the first than the second today. It might be because of the coffee I'm having today. It might be because work is actually moving along well. But regardless of the reason it is.

  Our gym is finally complete. Maybe one of these days I'll post pictures here. It has been an incredible gift to my mental health. The last year has been absolutely brutal to say the least. When you are younger there is this phenomena that most people experience. Well there are a great many, but I'm thinking of one in particular. That phenomena is the Main Character Syndrome, though there is probably a better definition. That idea that all of the world's ills are real but they don't come for you. Why don't they? Well obviously so the story can keep going, because you are the hero.

  I used to have this pretty strongly. Not in the internet sense where I was arrogant or anything like that. But I always assumed I knew how things would pan out for myself and everyone I know. For a while there it felt like that was definitely the case too. A lot of things played out exactly as I thought they would. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse, but in general I felt in control. And then since about 2016 there has been some kind of surprise every year. I would say the great many of them have been incredibly negative.

  Naturally when you experience something like this it becomes easy to be nihilistic, depressed, all sorts of negative coping mechanisms. I've never been one to turn to book clubs, so faith doesn't help me, but I can respect the notion. The alternative is realizing just how unbelievably cruel life is to nearly everything. But I think that that realization and acceptance is actually really important to the progress of humanity and society at large. If you think this is just the first chapter of your multi novel story, then it is easy to ignore a lot of the plight you experience and those around you experience.

  It's fine, after all, they might suffer now but someday they'll be in a magical isekai with the rest of their family and friends. I don't think this is really healthy, but again, I empathize. For me I have had to come to terms with time. All the good and ills therein. I wouldn't say I've accepted it, or much of what it has dealt me, but I recognize the inexorable tide therein. I'm hoping in my lifetime we see humans come to terms with this. Because I am starting to think that the pain people feel when they are dying is not merely the act of being unmade. But more the realization that they aren't, in fact, the main character. The swift cruel reminder of life and entropy.

  I've been erring lately more and more towards trying to enjoy myself. Luckily I really enjoy working out, so one of my hobbies is at least keeping me healthy. The best I can do for now is keep as healthy as I can and see if someday we actually do solve mortality on some level. If we don't, at least I know I tried. And worst case scenario I'll finish the journey on my own terms with a relatively healthy body. Terminal illness surprises not withstanding.

  I'll also be doing my best to help others have a good time. I'm going to try and really put in more time and effort into the forums, into making fun games, stories, worlds. Because ultimately I can only work on what I have control over. Beyond that I don't see much point in stressing. My body and subconscious still will, but the mental me will at least think about more interesting things.


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